Grace. How do we show others grace when we aren’t feeling all that graceful? How can be show someone else empathy and compassion when they are pissing us off to the highest level of pissidity? This is a question I have been grappling with for a long time, particularly when it comes to my daughter. She is both the baby girl and the patience I have always prayed for wrapped in one stubborn package. She is a priceless artifact encased in a plastic clamshell container with crimped edges.

Today the universe saw fit to provide me with not one, but two opportunities to practice grace under fire and for that I am grateful. Now let me be clear, in those moments I did not see any benefits in dealing with obstinate students. However, the more I reflect on them the more I realize that I was blessed with two amazing opportunities to grow in my role as a teacher to the children I am paid to educate and the ones that chose me to be their Mommy.

In a typical day I am able to redirect students when they do not follow our classroom expectations. I usually deal with unacceptable behavior on my own and do not have to involve administrators or security. Today was not one of those days, and both administration and security were called in to assist to no avail. By the time the class was over and I was able to talk to the student without the rest of the class for an audience we were both very irritated. Despite our inability to reach a resolution today I began laying the foundation for us to repair the tear in our relationship tomorrow.

Before the student left I reminded them of how great our relationship was prior to this incident. I told them that this hiccup would not define our interactions with each other going forward. Tomorrow would be a new day. It would be a chance to start over. Doing this did two things. First, I let this child know that I would be a consistent person in her life, which is not something that they encounter often with the adults in their life. Second, by offering the idea of a fresh start, the student did not have to worry about holding onto a grudge the next day in an attempt to save face. I extended the olive branch so they wouldn’t have to. There would be nothing to lose and no reputation to risk by being coordial after this incident. The patience I extended to this student really made me think about just how impatient I am with my own children, particularly my daughter.

My daughter was surely sent here to test and extend the limits of my patience. I have no clue why she mixes toothpaste with lotion in medicine cups and then smears it all over her mirror. Or why she cuts pages out of books to hang on her wall. I do know that these things drive me absolutely crazy. So, I yell and scream and demand to know “WHYYYYYYY?!?!” But she doesn’t know why she does these things either, and so begins a vicious cycle. She does something completely off the wall to me and I become irate. She feels like she’s a terrible child and I feel even worse for making her feel that way. Rather than constuctively correcting my daughter’s behavior in a way that builds her up, my responses are tearing her down and destroying her self-esteem. If I disciplined my daughter with the same love and grace I used with my student it would strengthen our relationship, and maybe ultimately reduce her challenging behavior.

The thing is, there is no immediate consequence for emotionally destructive parenting. No one is going to lock you up or remove your children from your home because you yelled at them. However, teachers may face serious consequences for losing control of their temper in the classroom and yelling at students. The fear of losing my job helps me to stay calm and consider my actions before taking them when I am in the classroom, no matter how heated a situation gets. There is no similar deterrent for me in the privacy of my own home. I’m not going to prison and my baby girl will still give me hugs and kisses before bed. But I know that the accumulation of such discipline over time will do damage to her heart and soul that could be irreparable. I will not be “that” mom. Today I made the decision to be as gentle with the miracle who chose me to be her guide here on Earth as I am with the children I have far less responsiblilty to.

I know that I will stumble and stager. The road ahead will not be a straight one. There will be hills and valleys, potholes, and detours. However, no matter what lies ahead, I WILL show both of children the same love, patience, and grace that I have been shown every time the universe must teach me the same lesson over and over again. My babies deserve nothing less than my absolute best, whether I agree with their actions or not. They need to know that I love them unconditionally, not just when they are “behaving.”

Who in your life could use your grace under fire? The next time you find yourself in a situation where someone in your life is tap dancing on your last, frayed nerve, take a deep breath and count to ten before responding. Then, as calmly as you can, either tell her/him that you need a few minutes to compose yourself before responding, or express how you are feeling and why. Do not place any blame. Do not attack. If the issue cannot be resolved in that moment acknowledge that and offer to try again another time. Like any other skill, this one will take a lot of repetition and practice. The question you have to ask yourself is… Is it worth it? Is this a person you’re willing to exert so much time and energy on? Is the relationship worth maintaining? If the answer is “Yes!” make a choice to respond to the next taxing interaction the two of you have with empathy and love, rather than anger and hostility. No matter what her/his response is, commit to continue reacting to any difficulties that arise calmly, and watch your relationship shift from adversarial to cooperative. Keeping a journal of this journey is a good way to track these changes and record the evolution of this special relationship.